Thursday, December 16, 2010

Temporary State of Being

~I accept sadness as a temporary state of being.
A cycle of moments we pass through.
It fades as the words hit the page~
A tweet I sent to one of my followers.

                It’s no secret that I’m nursing a broken heart.  Though I can hide behind my smile, when the words hit the page my feelings are all too clear.  It’s always been that way for me.  The page has edges, not walls.  So there’s nothing to stop the words and emotions from spilling over.  But in life, my heart has walls that will not fall. 

~I fall away from truth,
my heart is not predisposed
to handle revelation well,
I hide behind this smile,
watching words shatter,
against the page~

I found myself in a reflective state this morning.  Considering my current situation, wondering where this path leads.  There are some days when darkness covers the road.  It’s a mist, hiding the future from my eyes, but then the sun rises and the mist dissipates.  My vision, once clouded, gives way to clear thought.  I understand my place in the world. 
I treasure those moments….and fear them.  My heart is not predisposed to handle revelation well.  The same may be said for others, but I find that the truth hits hard against my soul knocking me to the ground.  With eyes wide open it is difficult to run from the reality of my existence.  I am nice to have, but not to keep.  My passionate words may touch a heart, but the affects soon wear and the passion fades.  Then I am left empty…and alone.  I run to security, falling into the arms of those who promise relief, bringing pain and sadness to both our souls.

~The pain in his eyes steals my breath
A heart breaking from unkind words
I long to hold him
And wash such thoughts away~

The pain in his eyes when I said we were not going to be together was heartbreaking.  I lost someone dear to me…a man I love, because of those walls.  It’s not that he didn’t want to keep me, I just don’t want to be kept.  Therein lies the truth of these walls I hide behind.  I love unconditionally.  I give everything…except myself.  That part of my soul I keep hidden from the world.  Though it pains me to see him walk out of my life, I know that heartbreak is a temporary state.  It fades as time goes by.  Never truly leaving my heart.  There will always be cracks, echoes of our love visible to those willing to take the time to look.  I will live in the sorrow of a broken heart.  Find hope in the light of a new day; because I am tired of running away…from myself. 

   ~Turn from me now
Before I lose my heart
The slightest touch
Will send it falling~

Perhaps the problem is that I lose myself in love far too easily.  I crave sweet passionate words; they bring such energy and creativity to my soul.  Spurred on by the rush of emotion, the words fall easily onto the page.  I think, in truth, that I like being in love.  When passion fades giving way to the everyday I flounder and become bored, because in the stillness of daily life I find little fuel for the fires of creative thought.
~Walk with me
Through the rain
On a moonlit night
Let it cleanse our souls
Of broken dreams
So we may begin anew
In each other’s arms~

Still, to find love would be grand.  I will keep an open heart…try to pull down the walls one at a time.  It’s a slow process and the pace leaves me wanting, but I know in the end the effort is worth it.  All the while, I put myself out to family and friends.  The best way to practice living with an open heart is to find those people willing to love you unconditionally; willing to accept the ups and downs of a heart struggling to find its place in the world.  They sit with you through heartbreak, knowing, too, that it is a temporary state and soon you will find your footing again.  The trouble then becomes finding someone who’s working on his walls as well. 

~My heart waits
For a kindred spirit
Of thought and desire
To transform the light
Flickering within my soul
Into a raging inferno
Of passion~

Do you have walls?  Most everyone does whether they see them or not.  The trick is recognizing what’s holding you back so that you can, at the very least, crawl over the walls.  There are scars which never go away.  Sorrow that will live eternally in our hearts, at some point we have to move forward.  And should it be that we are moving in the same direction, all the better.

                The last two poems are tweet poems about the sorrow of loss and living in the words they evoke.

From my eyes
Drip down
Into an upturned palm
Settle there
Pooled in sorrow
Until my being
Soaks you in
Once more~

~Stand removed
In silence
Feel the words
Seep into your skin
Rushing through pulsing veins
Until you are lost
In the language
Of sorrow~


  1. This is a stunning post, Ranee! The poetry is amazing and your willingness to expose and share your inner thoughts is not only brave, but touched me deeply.

    I especially love:

    "~I fall away from truth,
    my heart is not predisposed
    to handle revelation well,
    I hide behind this smile,
    watching words shatter,
    against the page~"

    We do all have walls, all have scars, all have truths we'd rather not face. At least you are willing to try to pull the walls down.

  2. These are words of life, of sorrow, and learning. As a young soldier I was told by an old grumpy Sergeant “...if you’re always focused on dying, then you are not focused on living...” Sadly, the best writing comes from pain of the heart; oddly enough, healing comes from writing. You’ve walked across the coals, and have written a remarkable piece about the journey and the pain. Now wipe off the dust, get your dancing shoes on, and let someone buy you a drink, so you can tell them about life, love, sorrow, and most importantly, how to breathe in life! Cheers, David. PS. Be safe, Be Happy, and Be YOU!

  3. Sometimes the world is too small for one's heart, sometimes one's heart is too big for one love.
    Passion can sometimes be the drug that blinds one's feelings. And true love can sometimes be neglected when it manifests itself in a minuscule, unnoticed way.
    Here is a truly, deep felt experience and reflection. A splendid sun will shine for you.

  4. Amazing post. Honest words literally bled on the page. We do have walls and perhaps we do fall in love, but to find that other person that seems to be born for us seems to take such a long time...perhaps a lifetime. (At least for me too).

    I too have walls and I can't seem to pull them down long enough. We see life differently than most people, Ranee. There's no shame in wanting to experience time with your soul-mate. I hope you do find the happiness you're searching for.

    Thanks for sharing a special part of you.

  5. Thank you for your words....As always xoxo