I remember sitting there, in the middle of my room, curled on the floor. It was last time I really cried. Everything seemed broken and hopeless, I’m sure the memory of their laughter played a part as did the silence. Both were so loud my ears started ringing. If the moment wasn’t so empty, if the echo of my sobs hadn’t ripped the silence in burst, I might have forgotten. It may have faded into to just another day, but I think days like that stick with you like warm gum on your shoe.
They were only gone for the weekend, but it was long enough for my mask to crack and then shatter. You’d think the life growing inside me would be reason for hope. The amazing little freckled faced redhead just beginning to form would have been cause to count blessings, but not in that moment. Had I the glimmer of hope that she carries in every breath then the world may have seemed brighter. But the rain fell and clouds hid the moon, I stretched across the floor counting the drops as they hit the carpet, trying to keep time with the ones hitting the window. Maybe if I found a rhythm, something would make sense.
He gave me a choice. I’m sure to him it seemed perfectly reasonable, but I couldn’t reconcile it. I still remember his expression, the words rolled off his tongue so matter of fact they caught me off guard. “I already have a son. I don’t want any more children, but I still want to get married.” I didn’t understand at first, searched his eyes for a clue, and looked at the ring on my finger hoping it would answer the riddle. It only took a moment for the horror to set, a glance at the pamphlet he handed me. Then he grabbed my hand, “It doesn’t take long. I’ll be with you the entire time.”
Looking at her now, watching her red hair glisten in the sun, feeling the warmth of her hug, I think back to those moments when life seemed hopeless; when I was given a choice between two futures. I never wonder what life would be like without her, because she was always meant to be here, sitting on my lap, watching the clouds pass through a crystal blue sky. For all the pain and tears, I’m thankful I met him, because here she sits, watching the lizards crawl across the deck, listening to wind chime melodies. But when the house is dark and everyone is dreaming my mind wanders back and….
….I remember sitting there, in the middle of my room, curled on the floor. It was last time I really cried.