The first step seemed solid. You checked the footing before making the second, but something catches the edge as you lift. Glancing down, the thought is there hanging to your leg like a lost child. It takes a moment for the eyes to focus; clear the fog long enough for the idea to take hold.
Turning towards the street, you wave at the car already gone from sight. The emptiness glares back as reality sinks in: He’s gone. One sigh, one step and you’re in the door, but tied to the hem are the memories and the words; the ones you didn’t have time to let slip. They nag in whispers, but your heart swats at them watching each scatter down the hall.
Relief sets in, allowing for the next step; but the buzzing cloud reforms. Somehow it grew in the dispersal, choking every breath as your lungs fight against the drowning. Assaulted by images, your mind staggers towards the wall; reaching out to stop the spinning, but the railing gives way causing you to tumble.
Still, the tears won’t come. The strength of will that pushed you forward keeps a tight hold; forcing the next step, because it has to. Even as sorrow washes, you are unable to release the emotion. Although his face is square in the eye and his voice lingers in the ear, you manage to crawl under the covers with the hope that sleep will bring relief; but the cold descends. You reach over to tuck under his arm only to find the emptiness glaring once more.
One sigh, one step; because moving forward seems to be the only way to keep going. Never stopping to realize that if you wait a moment, the car will drive past for one more wave, the phone will ring to let the words slip, and his arms will be there ready to catch you before the fall.
* * * *
I never told…it took everything ounce of my strength to leave. When we’re not together a piece of my heart is missing. Loving you has been the hardest and easiest thing I’ve ever done, but I wouldn’t trade a single moment for anything in the world. I love you now…I’ll love you always.
I think you've eloquently portrayed what a person of either gender feels like when they they have to go through that gate of change and your words capture the echos of those feelings in very immediate terms, both tender and pained. Beautifully done, Ranee.
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